The Meaning of Christmas -ONESHOT--DN-

  There is no greater meaning behind life. Such as there is no true meaning of family, love or anything else that people may care to apply the statement to. It’s a personal ideal. More of a practicality than some hidden truth. It all depends entirely on what you, as an individual, make of it.

  For myself, there are no hidden meanings. Everything is practical. It has to be if you want to make it through life and put your own stamp on things. But recently, I had it proved to me that maybe these things have no meaning because I have never allowed them to. Because I’ve blinded myself against these things that I feel should have no importance to me.

  And recently, I also learnt that that is actually okay. Things didn’t have to have meaning behind them if you didn’t want them to. And strangely enough, I was taught this through Christmas. The personal values of Christmas that somebody I...

  Well. Love isn’t really a statement I can apply when I have never known how to love. But I was taught these values by somebody who managed to find themselves a place in my life, despite how much I’d always fought to keep everyone out. And I found that because of this, they actually came to mean something to me as well.

                                                             *

  I couldn’t seem to stop myself from coming back to this place. I preferred to believe that there was no reason behind it, in spite of how my life had always been built on reasoning. No hunch I’d ever explored had been done so without reason.

  But when there were some truths that you didn’t understand, and perhaps didn’t want to understand, then maybe the reason was better off being ignored.

  Nevertheless, I found myself making my way down to her office that frosty morning. The door was unlocked, like it usually was, so I let myself in. I found her sat in the middle of the floor, amidst a tangle of Christmas lights. She looked up as soon as the door opened.

  “Hey!” she greeted brightly. “Merry Christmas Eve!”

  She was in such a good mood that she didn’t even chastise me for not using the doorbell like she usually did. She probably always thought that I was just ignorant about it. In truth, I just preferred not to announce my presence. In any way, shape or form.

  “Are you enjoying yourself?” I asked pointedly. She seemed perfectly happy sat amongst the mass of knotted wires. Knots that I would have had to have carefully untangled first before anything else.

  “Definitely!” she beamed, taking happiness from such a small thing. “I had a few bulbs that blew from last year, but I managed to grab some late replacements.” She indicated a packet next to her on the floor, which was now empty. “I’m amazed that the store even had any left on Christmas Eve.”

  “You’re leaving your decorations a bit late, aren’t you?” I pointed out. “It seems quite futile – you’ll have to take them down again in a few days.”

  “I’ve been too busy,” she admitted. “I haven’t really had the time. I’ve got my tree and everything upstairs – I just haven’t had time to do the actual decorating part... And it’s not futile. Decorating’s one of the best things about Christmas!”

  I personally still thought that it was, but it seemed to make her happy. Whether it was wasted time and effort or not.

  “Hey, since you’re here, you can actually help me,” she suddenly decided. “I could do with someone tall.”

  “For what?” I asked.

  “To get the star on top of my tree,” she said. “The last time I tried doing it myself, the chair I was standing on broke, I dislocated my shoulder and I had to spend Christmas in hospital.” She grinned sheepishly. “So it would help to have someone taller.”

  “Alright,” I agreed. Better that than to have her attempt to do it herself and end up dislocating something else. Though I didn’t realise that it would result in me being involved with the rest of the decorations.

  I helped her to hang the blue fairy lights outside her office first. I wasn’t entirely sure how I’d gotten roped into this job too, yet here I was. It all still seemed rather trivial to me. I didn’t understand how a task so simple could put someone in such a good mood.

  Yet she seemed to enjoy every minute of it. She chattered away incessantly as we worked. By this point, we were putting the decorations on the tree inside her apartment – well, I was mostly watching. I’d never decorated a Christmas tree before and I still didn’t understand the appeal of it.

  “So are you doing anything for Christmas?” she asked, looking around at me from one side of the fake tree.

  “What do you mean?” I asked. The phrase ‘doing anything’ could mean a lot of things. I couldn’t say that I always planned my daily activities in advance.

  “I’m guessing you don’t celebrate Christmas,” she said with a knowing look.

  “I’m not Christian,” I said. I knew enough about Christmas at least to know that it was a Christian celebrated holiday. Well... In this day and age, it was. If you wanted to regard it historically, then it was a pagan holiday. Not that I was pagan either.

  She raised her eyebrows at me. “And you think I’m Christian? You don’t have to be Christian to celebrate Christmas. It’s just a festive time of year – you choose whether you want to celebrate it or not.”

  “Then I guess I have never chosen to celebrate it,” I said.

  Honestly, I’d never given it much thought. Growing up under Watari’s wing, we’d had a tree and Christmas presents like anyone else, but none of us had ever really taken an interest in it. It had simply never meant anything to any of us.

  “Well, maybe you helping me decorate is kinda like celebrating it,” she said, almost like it was a suggestion.

  “I suppose.”

  At times, I was aware that I made conversation awkward. It was never really intentional. Unless it was regarding work, small talk didn’t exactly come naturally to me. Most of the time, she didn’t actually seem to mind. I guess that made me quite lucky. It would probably be difficult to find anyone else who would readily accept such a social flaw.

  Yet we still carried on decorating, despite my lack of enthusiasm. I put the star on top of the tree, like I’d originally been asked and then rewired the indoor fairy lights for her. For someone who was very conscious about fire safety, her excitement over the holidays made her overlook the hazard of the poor wiring.

  I had to admit that the effect was quite nice once everything was safely lit up. I believe homely would be the appropriate word. Even though I didn’t really know what a home looked or felt like. To me, a home was just a temporary roof over your head. But I knew that other people felt differently about it. That it had a deeper meaning to them. Another one of those things.

  “Here.” I turned to see that she’d produced a tin of biscuits powdered in white. She grinned. “Payment for all your hard work.”

  I took one from the tin. “Thank you.”

  Now this was one thing I could appreciate about Christmas. The holiday always seemed to spawn a wide variety of biscuits, cakes, chocolates, pies and other sweets... But if I had to choose a holiday for that respect, then I’d personally still prefer Easter.

  “I bet this is the only thing you appreciate about Christmas, isn’t it?”

  Like she so often could, she picked the thought right out of my head. It was a rare thing for people to do, yet she always seemed to guess what I was thinking so easily. She probably didn’t even realise she was doing it. Or she at least didn’t voice it aloud if she did.

  “Yes, I suppose it is,” I said, turning the biscuit thoughtfully between my fingers before I brought it to my mouth and crunched it between my teeth. It was full of sugar, vanilla and a hint of cinnamon. It was divine.

  “Sophia made these for me for Christmas,” she said fondly. “I know it’s not really supposed to just be about the presents, but I have to admit I always look forward to hers.”

  I almost smiled. I always found it difficult to smile freely. “I can see why.”

  She put the tin down on the table in the kitchen area, leaving it open. “Do you want some coffee or hot chocolate or anything?”

  “Yes. Hot chocolate, thank you,” I said. She always kept a stash of delectable hazelnut flavoured hot chocolate that I’d been led to believe was actually a Starbucks brand.

  She busied herself with making the hot drinks, whilst I hovered near her. It felt rude to sit without an invitation, though I wasn’t sure where I’d even picked this convention up from. It had certainly never bothered me before.

  She didn’t seem to know either. She turned and gave me a strange look when she saw me waiting so closely to her. “Err, you can sit down, y’know. And help yourself to biscuits. It’ll save me having to gorge myself so much over Christmas.”

  I did as she said without a word and moved across to climb onto one of the chairs. I even took another biscuit. They really were delicious. She joined me soon afterwards with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, topped with whipped cream. That was a new touch since last time. One that I certainly appreciated.

  “So what are you going to do for Christmas?” I asked once she’d sat down. I felt like I should ask, since she’d seemed so amazed that I wasn’t going to be doing anything in particular for it.

  She seemed surprised that I’d asked. “Oh... Well, I’d normally spend it with my family, but I’m just gonna be chilling on my own this year.”

  “What changed?”

  “I only just finished a case the other day,” she explained. “That’s why I was so late getting my decorations done. I wasn’t sure if I’d be finished in time for Christmas, so I told my mom that I’d pass this year. And it’d seem rude to tell her that I’d changed my mind at the last minute.”

  “You finished earlier than you expected to. That’s not what I’d call changing your mind,” I pointed out.

  I’d met her mother before and knew that she certainly wouldn’t have minded at the last minute change in plans. But then I reminded myself who I was talking to. This was her. She still would have felt bad to ask so late.

  She shrugged. “It’s not like it’s a problem anyway. Johnny said he’d pop and see me in the morning at some point, so I won’t be completely alone.”

  “What would you have done if you had been with your family?” I had to admit I was a little curious. Just what was it about this holiday that she enjoyed so much?

  “It’s nothing much really,” she laughed sheepishly. “We watch each other open presents, we pull crackers and eat a big Christmas meal together... Then we just spend the rest of the day watching all the Christmas movies on TV, drinking bucks fizz and sharing a big tin of chocolates.”

  It was as simple as I’d imagined. Yet she seemed to regard those everyday activities with great fondness. Perhaps it was because they were simply traditions that she’d grown up with. Or perhaps it was because she just enjoyed spending the time with her family.

  Only this year, she was going to be alone.

  Maybe she’d been following the same thought trail as me. Or maybe she’d been steeling herself to phrase the suggestion all along. Either way, she hesitantly, but quite determinedly added, “Since you’re not doing anything for Christmas yourself, maybe you’d like to... stay with me for it?”

  I looked up at her in surprise. Though we’d both clearly been thinking along similar lines of her being alone, I hadn’t quite expected her to ask that. “You want me to stay here?” I repeated.

  “You don’t have to,” she said quickly, looking awkward. “I just thought that maybe if you’d wanted to celebrate Christmas for a change...”

  Did I want to celebrate Christmas? Did I want to break out of my comfort zone and spend the holiday alone with this one person? The answer was no. I didn’t feel like I was ready for that. Mundane as the activities had been, I’d found the day to be quite enjoyable. But I still felt that Christmas didn’t mean anything to me. And perhaps it was better if it stayed that way.

  She’d requested something similar of me in the past and I’d had to turn her down back then. Now I was going to do the same again.

  “I think that it would be better if I didn’t,” I said. I didn’t elaborate or give a reason why. How could I when I wasn’t even sure of it myself? The word ‘afraid’ poked its way through my thoughts, but I ignored it.

  She didn’t seem surprised, however, or even like she minded. On the contrary, she smiled. “I guess it was kind of a long shot. But you can’t blame a girl for trying, right?”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. So I did the best thing I knew how to... Run away.

  I got down from my chair. “I should probably get going now.” My mug of hot chocolate was now empty. “But thank you for your hospitality.”

  Something crossed her expression that I couldn’t quite place, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. “No problem. Thank you for helping me.” She got up from her chair too. “Just hang on a second; I’ve got something for you before you leave.”

  She hurried from the room, leaving me feeling rather confused. What could she possibly have for me? Though I found out soon enough. She returned moments later with her hands behind her back and a sheepish look on her face.

  “Sorry it’s not wrapped. Again, time ran away with me,” she said apologetically. “And I wasn’t actually sure if I’d see you over Christmas anyway.”

  She held out her hands, revealing what she’d been hiding. Sat in her palms was a small, intricately-packaged basket of crystallised sugared strawberries. Strawberries were my favourite.

  “You got me a Christmas present?” I phrased it like a question without meaning to.

  “Well, I’m gonna say it’s for Christmas,” she grinned. “I actually just spotted them in a store the other day. Like I said, I wasn’t sure if I’d get to see you over Christmas or not, but I decided to get some for you anyway.”

  “Thank you,” I said, unable to think of anything else to say. She handed me the small basket, which I promptly unwrapped.

  “Hey, you should have at least waited until tomorrow,” she protested.

  “Was I supposed to?” I mumbled around the first strawberry that I’d already put in my mouth, letting the fruity sugar slide over my tongue.

  She took one look at me and laughed. “I guess that’s asking a lot to put something sweet in your hand and not expect you to eat it straightaway.”

  “I’d say that’s a fair assumption,” I agreed, only half concentrating on my words.

  Nobody other than Watari had ever given me a present before. I still wasn’t entirely sure how to react. What was the protocol for receiving presents? That you had to give something back? But what did I have to give?

  I held out the now half unwrapped basket. “Would you like one?”

  She smiled and shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m not a huge fan of strawberries.”

  “You... don’t like strawberries?”

  She laughed at me again. “Oh, so greatest detective in the world, can solve any case... yet the fact that I don’t like strawberries baffles you?”

  “Yes. Yes it does,” I said. I couldn’t possibly fathom how somebody could not like strawberries.

  Her smile was back. “Sorry, I’m more of a pineapple girl.”

  I supposed pineapple was an acceptable favourite fruit. “I guess all hope isn’t lost.”

  She just laughed again. “Well, where would the fun be if we all just liked the exact same things?”

  She was right. Everybody was different. Right down to their preferences in something as simple as fruit.

  And then I understood. It didn’t matter that she loved every aspect of Christmas. It didn’t matter that I didn’t celebrate it at all. Because everyone was different, the holiday held different meanings to each individual. And to some people, like me, it didn’t have to mean anything. Because we didn’t have to be like everyone else.

  That was the meaning of Christmas. Simply what we wanted it to mean.

  “You’re exactly right,” I agreed, with more meaning that she probably realised.

  “Of course I am. I’m always right,” she joked. I just looked at her. “Well... Almost always.” She grinned. “Anyway, whatever you do for Christmas, even if you don’t do anything, I hope you enjoy it either way.”

  Again, her words were so correspondent of the ones running through my head that it was almost frightening. She’d given me a lot this Christmas, even if she didn’t know it, and yet, I still had nothing to give back. But somehow, I knew that for her, it was the smallest things that meant the most.

  So I laid my free hand on her shoulder. “I hope you do too.” I then lightly touched her face with my fingertips, brushing her hair back slightly. There were a million words I could have said, but I couldn’t think of anything easier or more appropriate than, “Merry Christmas, Gee."